Sometimes it's the Little Things

“The little things? The little moments? They aren’t little.”  Jon Kabat-Zinn

Yeah, I didn’t know who the author of the above quote was either, although I do now.  His quote fits now though.  We all think we know this already, but most of us have no idea.  We are so focused on the big hurdles in life we forget that it is the small moments, the little things, and the fleeting connections that really define us. The sum of their parts adds up to well, life.  Sometimes it takes a big wakeup call to bring this in focus.  Sometimes on a hike to see some majestic view, I have realized the depth and beauty of the thousands of creatures, plants, and terrain that constitute the mountain we are on.  The small things, just as amazing as the view we were seeking.   I sensed it a thousand times on deployment overseas, the small things each day making the distance from home and danger bearable.  I have also felt it in the small gifts that friends and strangers have bestowed upon us after losing everything four months ago. And I have recently felt it in the things we lost.  Not just the big things, but the smaller things as well.

Losing one’s home and all possessions has a way of showing you what is important.  It is exceedingly rare to go for a run and come back to nothing.  This is not one of the little things.  It is a punch to the face – so devastating you are lost in it.  As a Marine Corps senior planner, I used to use that line all the time. – so much so it was on several of my plaques that are now gone.  “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”  I know a Mike Tyson quote - forgive me! As a lifelong endurance athlete that has always been my mantra – Once I get punched in the face, I’m good - now I know what I have to deal with.  Getting hit is the first step to learning how to adjust and figure out what to do next.  In these races you know it is coming, it always does, so you expect it.   I suppose life is the same way, we just never think about it. We don’t dwell on it as it would make life simply something to endure, waiting for bad things to happen.  Most of us do not choose to live that way.  But when something catastrophic actually does happen, it is paralyzing initially, but it is so huge that innately you know that you must deal with it to survive.

At first, it is all about your needs; clothing, shelter, or really the necessities.  For a while that is all you can focus on – the loss is so huge mentally it’s nearly impossible to get your head around.  There are THE BIG emotional losses, your pet that was your responsibility, your Marine awards and things collected over 30+ years of service, irreplaceable family remembrances, and reminders of those we have lost.   Our most liked things – I saw a picture of me recently in my favorite running shirt and thought “damn I miss that shirt” but it was mainly that we had lost ALL our favorite things, small alone, collectively huge.  Then there are the true little things, rarely thought about but incredibly important in their loss.

Although this had entered my mind previously, it was hammered home to me the other day. I was watching the President of the United States posthumously awarding Col. John Ripley the Medal of Honor –and upgraded from the Navy Cross he was awarded during the Vietnam War.  I remembered a book I had on his exploits.  His actions were among many of the heroic actions by Americans that prevented 1972 North Vietnamese Easter Offensive from being successful. The news barely covered it but if you are curious, you should look him up and see what he did. I cannot remotely tell his story and do it justice.  He was a hero to young Marine leaders like me who wondered if we could really be leaders of Marines and live up to his example.

Years earlier I was given the book The Bridge Over Dong Ha – a recounting of John Ripley’s actions.  It was signed by John Ripley himself, and given to a classmate of his, then a retired General Officer, as a token of their friendship.  Soon after receiving this book, the man who gave it to me passed away from cancer.  I always realized that he was giving it to me to safeguard – one of his little things that could not be replaced but he wanted to make sure it was cared for.   I never met Colonel Ripley but the shock at realizing I had lost the book in our fire was startling, especially with everything else that is gone.  The small things that we rarely think about.  What was so impactful is that I knew it could never be replaced and it was the recorded memory of two men, both warriors, and I had failed to safeguard it.  So many things like this. There are the keepsakes from my father no longer with us.  The gifts from my friends who are also gone – a note from my great friend Mark taken way too early.  The small things that were more important to me than I knew.   Yes, I know, the memories are still there and things are just that – only things.  I have learned to accept that and embrace it as it is the only way for me.

I know Heather feels the same.  Her daughter asked about her grandmother’s quilt, over a century old – the answer was the same.  It’s gone.  I just happen to be the one writing this, but her losses have been even greater.  There have been dozens of instances of remembering these treasures over the past four months – at least I gave up months ago on searching through the rubble trying to find some small thing that meant something to us.  I used the excuse that it was infecting my lungs, but in reality, I just couldn’t do it anymore.  Regardless, I know it has reminded us of how important things are to us that we often don’t think about daily.  The call from your child, the text from a friend asking how you are, a forgotten memory you are reminded of, receiving an act of kindness, or seeing something that makes you realize how fortunate you are.  I think these small things have reminded us both of the promise I know we both made to ourselves recently.  As most have never been in our situation, you simply have no choice.

The promise we made is to do better.  To remember those small things from so many people along the way.  To remind ourselves to live in the moment and to enjoy the small things.  We are blessed beyond belief, and it is sad to think it took losing everything we had for me to remember that.  Not sure what is coming next as our situation is still very uncertain.  However, regardless of what it is, I know we will approach with a sense of being grateful for the opportunity.  We are both resilient and I know all those small things will always be the big things in disguise.